You’re not my Father: Advice to Brothers Who Marry Women with Children - Shaykh Muhammad ‘Akkoor

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Shehzad Sattar
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You’re not my Father: Advice to Brothers Who Marry Women with Children - Shaykh Muhammad ‘Akkoor

Postby Shehzad Sattar » Fri Nov 11, 2016 11:35 pm


There is a problem here in America, perhaps it is also in other places, and Allaah knows best; it is that a man may marry a woman who has children from her previous marriage. The children are ill-mannered and they say to their mother’s husband: You are not my father! The intent behind this statement is: I don’t have to respect you because you are not my real father. This can cause problems between the spouses and could perhaps result in divorce. So what is your advice to men who marry women with children that are ill-mannered and likewise, advice to the children and to the mothers? Benefit us, and may Allaah reward you with good.


In the name of Allaah, the Most Merciful; the Bestower of Mercy. All the praise is for Allaah, the Lord of all that exists. May prayers and peace be upon our leader Muhammad, his family and companions, all together. To proceed:

If a man embarks upon marriage to a woman that has children then he is aware and knows that she is not like other than her from the women who are free of (these types of) concerns. He should not forget that a woman loves her children no matter who they are from; be it him or other than him. So firstly, he must take into consideration her feelings.

Secondly: He should tolerate their harm to him out of consideration for their mother and goodness to them; even if they treat him badly. For children are such that their natural disposition is lack of respect; lack of reverence; lack of patience.[1] The grown man is not like the small child.

When the Prophet (sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam) proposed to Umm Salamah, may Allaah be pleased with her, she did not agree. So he asked her the reason and she said: “O Messenger of Allaah; nothing has prevented me from accepting except that I have ferocity within me,” meaning, jealousy. “And I have children. I fear that I would be negligent of you or that I would bear a sin due to shortcoming in my dealings with you.” So he said to her: “As for your children then they will be my children.”

This is evidence that when a man takes a woman who has children, then either he can take her and along with what she has of responsibilities and bear that and be patient or he can leave her (i.e., not marry her) and marry someone else. But since he has taken her and married her then from good manners, good etiquettes, and good treatment is that he puts up with the harms from her children; even when they tell him that he is not their biological father. This is correct; he is not their biological father. He puts up with it for the benefit of himself and the benefit of his wife, until Allaah makes for him a way out from that difficulty.

Similarly, if the woman takes a husband that has children; and she knows that he has children. It is obligatory upon her—when she takes him and accepts him—that she accepts him along with what he has from responsibilities; and that she does not come the next day and say to him: “It’s either me or your children.” This is not possible. Since she came to him while he has children then she is to be patient putting up with their harm and treat them as if they are her children.

So I say, to both—the man and the woman—if either of them takes the other while he/she has children who have manners which are not pleasing; not noble; not honorable; not religious; rather, they are sassy-mouthed and impatient when dealing with them, then it is obligatory upon him/her to take this into consideration and try to arrive at the means which will…Did you say something?

Questioner: No, Shaykh, go ahead.

Shaykh: Is the sound clear?

Questioner: Yes, O Shaykh, the sound is clear.

Shaykh: I say: Since this man has taken this woman that has children then let him be patient and seek the reward for (his treatment of) them. He should not threaten her saying that either she rectifies them or he will divorce her. This is not from goodness and not from good association (with one’s spouse). Rather, he should be patient and put up with their harm and treat them well and accept from that that which contains a degree of harm for the sake of their mother. Otherwise, the marital home will not be rectified, it will not thrive, and it will not last.

If from the very beginning, there are problems; there is no tranquility; no patience, no seeking of Allaah’s reward; no tolerance for the children –and perhaps some of them are teenagers; and you know that teenagers have something from harm which is known only to Allaah, the Mighty and Majestic—if the adult does not have tolerance for him and is not patient and does not deal with him with that which is better, then perhaps he may lose him (the child). Perhaps he would leave the home or leave the family. Perhaps he would commit some random act that would harm the stepfather, harm his mother, or harm his siblings.

At any rate, the man and woman within the martial home are like doctors. They look at the illnesses which are present within the family and they treat them with wisdom, each party acting from his/her respective position until Allaah, the Glorified and High, brings relief at their hands and unifies them and they live (in harmony). As long as they have this responsibility; the man takes the woman while she has children or the woman takes the man and he has children, then one must be patient with the one who has this as his condition; until Allaah brings about relief.

We ask Allaah to rectify our state and the state of the Muslims.

[1] It is as if the Shaykh is saying that children need to be taught these things.

Translated by Raha ibn Donald Batts

Source: ... mad-akkoor
The Prophet ﷺ said:

“Make things easy and do not make things difficult. Give glad tidings and do not repel people..”

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